YOU KNOW YOU'RE A CZBRAT IF...

1. You worked as a boiler tender on the 299.

2. Your father was the guy who passed out the gym shorts at BHS.

3. You remember 1962 when somebody changed the number on the 299 to the 300 using a spray can.

4. You pack 14 guayaberas for the Reunion, and bring an empty suitcase for the Zonian t-shirts you plan to buy.

5. You have something in every pocket of your guayabera.

6. You brag about how quickly the hotel bars ran dry at Reunions you've attended. And you can name the year and the hotel -- but nothing else.

7. You own more Lucho recordings than anyone in Panama.

8. Everyone in your retirement village has been through the Panama Canal--except you.

9. You find yourself talking about square trees and golden frogs to total strangers at parties.

10. Someone complains about ants at the picnic, so you tell everyone all about army ants in the Zone.

11. You find yourself paying $50 for a Panamanian silver dollar -- then spend $85 to have matted and framed to be hung in your living room, next to the two molas and the photo of Old Panama.

12. The "wallpaper" on your home computer is a picture of The Bridge of the Americas.

13. You consider yourself bi-lingual because you speak Bajun ("W'happen for you, mon?")

14. Seeing a picture of BHS or CHS makes you fill up with pride and warmth. When even though you haven't seen classmates for years, the bond is as strong as ever.

15. You still hate to wear shoes.

16. You've driven down a road and seen a ship sailing through the Jungle.

17. Every time you see a big, grassy hill, you look for a palm frond so you can slide down it.

18. You reach the check-out counter at K-mart and reach for your IP card.

19. You keep a ten, a twenty and a fifty in your wallet when driving in Panama. (The ten is for the Guardia, in case of an accident; the twenty is in case you run over someone; the fifty is in case the person you hit is related to the Guardia.)

20. You can convert any unusual event into Lottery numbers.

21. You never drive anywhere without an ice chest in the trunk (down there, full of Bud; up here, full of Cerveza Panama).

22. You still think a "halfway house" is a bar on the way to Santa Clara Beach.

23. You meet with another Zonian in a fine restaurant and all you talk about are French fries with gravy, the difference between clubhouse and Curundu empanadas, and how great the YMCA wontons were.

24. Every waterfront restaurant reminds you of the American Legion in Ft. Amador.

25. You hug and kiss people you haven't seen since high school—and you didn't know them even then.

26. Your great-grandfather was a Conductor on Old 299!!

27. You're appalled that you have to pay actual MONEY for mangoes.

28. You go to another class's home page just because it has BHS in its title.

29. You know cruel and horrendous things to do to cockroaches.

30. You know what a Panahouche is.

31. You say chuleta and everyone asks you why you are yelling "pork chop."

32. You can't drink any water anywhere else in the world and like it.

33. You find yourself telling stories of growing up in grass houses to a circle of gullible Statesiders at every party.

34. You realize you majored in Spades when you were in college.

35. You can't see a PC without mentally adding another "C."

36. You name your cats "Ancon" and "Cristobal.".

37. You have an urge to be the first to burn "the hill" this year.

38. You discover that no one you work with rode a train ocean-to-ocean to attend high school football games

39. You wake up on Sunday morning with a craving for fresh, hot micha bread with real butter.

40. You tell the waitress you want your burger on a steamed bun, with butter. And you look around for the water machine. And you find some kid has used a napkin under the lid to block the salt and pepper shakers.

41. You start to worry about the "Tuli Vieja" while camping out.

42. Your idea of camping out is a blanket on the beach, overnight.

43. You know where "Old 299" really is.

44. You reminisce about romantic evenings on the Causeway.

45. Your dollar bills are wet when you pull them out of your pocket..

46. You cross the street to get out of the rain.

47. You race the rain home.

48. You can't sleep unless you hear a buzzing sound in your ear.

49. You had bowling in High School.

50. You went swimming in the ditches every time it rained.

51. You have more than one friend that was struck by lightning.

52. You fell out of a Mango tree.

53. You made billy clubs in wood shop.

54. You had beer delivered to your house every week..

55. You run towards smoke every time you see it.

56. You have requested songs on Radio TNT.

57. You know what a Christmas tree fight is.

58. You can make a whistle out of bamboo and a leaf.

59. You know that REALLY big roaches can fly (and usually right at you!).

60. You've ever paddled a cayuca down the street, in the rain...at high tide!

61. You can drive a standard shift car, thru 2 ft. of water at an intersection and NOT stall out.

62. You've ever bet on a landcrab race during lunch break in high school.

63. Your maid has her own bathroom.

64. You've seen black snow -- Sosa hill burning.

65. You're the only one on the chiva without an animal.

66. You decorated your palm tree for Christmas.

67. You had you own personal grass cutter.

68. You dip red ants in chocolate and give them to unsuspecting friends.

69. You go to a neighbors' house to pet their ocelot.

70. You get bit by a macaw that wolf whistled at you in Spanish.

71. You know how to dip squeekies in the right amount of water to make them squeak more.

72. You sing, "Drive your Cheverolet through the USA" around the house.

73. You wake up and find an iguana staring at you through the louvers.

74. You put salt on green mangoes and love them even though green mangoes make you break into a rash.

75. Your Mom grows wood roses in the backyard.

76. You smile whenever you see laundry hanging on a clothesline.

77. You fall asleep in your early afternoon classes and wake up stuck to your seat.

78. Little kids can run around with towels on their shoulders playing superman with no underwear on...looking right in place.

79. Your jeans are patched with molas.

80. You've never used or owned a lawn mower.

81. Your favorite fruit is a Chinese plum.

82. Most of the guys you know have been bitten by a snake!!

83. You have gone swimming in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans on the same day!

84. You know what, "the other side" means.

85. Your new clothes ever came with rust stains from the pins.

86. You buy potato chips in cans.

87. Driving 60 mph scares the bejesus out of you.

88. You plan your schedule around the downpours.

98. You're not 100% positive you own a long sleeve shirt.

99. Your car has ever floated across a dip in the road.

100. You've never owned an umbrella.

101. You've ever given your pet a beer.

102. You experience anxiety attacks when you see a neighbor talking to your maid.

103. You pay less for gas than your grandparents ever did.

104. You say "parada" to get off the bus.

105. You ate seviche and crackers at parties.

106. You held a bottle of coke/beer to the light to check for roaches.

107. You've worn off the shoulder blouses and huaraches.

108. You bargained for everything before you bought it.

109. You burned a light bulb over your shoes to stop mildew.

110. You know 'stickers' grow in grass.

111. You didn't know how to use a washing machine or iron when you left home.

112. You think "seasonal changes" means Rainy to Dry.

113. You've ever had to ask the maid where she's put your favorite shirt/dress.

114. You use a papaya leaf to make a blow gun out of the hollow tube.

115. You will eat whatever the little Panamanian boys sell in those brown bags in the interior when you stop for gas.

116. Meat on a stick is really good, and you never give a second thought as to what kind of meat it is.

117. It is really hard to resist the urge to pick up all those Christmas trees that people have left out for the garbage man.

118. You can make a balloon out of a hibiscus petal.

119. You chase after DDT trucks.

120. You can spell it correctly.

121. You "create" a "snow storm" by putting soap powder in the Goethals Memorial.

122. You expect the laundry to take three days to dry under the house!

123. You enter this contest.

124. You still carry a picture of Teddy Roosevelt in your wallet.

125. You use your grandfather's Roosevelt Medal in the pay phone

126. You use your own Roosevelt Medal in the pay phone. Wow, are you ever a Zonian!!

127. You know what a "Boxholder" is.

128. You followed the Owl Show with a late-night burger and fries at Diablo clubhouse.

129. You know that the real "Checkpoint Charlie" is in Arraijan.

130. You didn't think it was strange that PCC cars were kept in "The Corral."

131. You thought there really were "submarine races" at Miraflores or Contractor's, but were too embarrassed to say you never saw them.

132. You ever joined a club or service organization just to buy cheap booze.

133. It wasn't a good date if you didn't have sand-flea bites.

134. You've ever seen the sun rise over the Pacific.

135. You don't question it when someone mentions "12-families" or "four-families" while describing where they once lived.

136. You REALLY, REALLY know where Old 299 is!

137. You have ever asked your maid to call you in sick when you skipped school.

138. You feel intimidated by all the choices available in a stateside supermarket!

139. You see the sun rise in the west and set in the east.

140. You think a mule is a machine that helps ships get thru the locks.

141. You shake your wrist and slap your index finger against your thumb and middle finger (pressed together).

142. You automatically speak Bajun to black people.

143. Your favorite salad consists of...one green mango, cut up and "swimming" in a bowl of red wine vinegar and lots of salt and pepper!

144. Your maid taught you how to point at things with your lips.

145. All your kids' middle name is Potter.

146. Your only garden tool is a machete.

147. You laugh at the funny looking cows with no humps.

148. You will only drink Panamanian rum.

149. You crave a "real" banana.

150. The name Hollywood reminds you of flattened cans, not movie stars.

151. You refer to woods as "the jungle".

152. You had a pet marmoset.

153. You need a sweater when it gets below 70*.

154. You stand in your driveway in the pouring rain while your mother uses a high pressure hose to remove the mud that you got while playing mud football.

155. You have a special drawer that has only mud stained clothes to be used only in the rain

156. You throw things at the perfect mango 50 feet above the ground, knock it down, and then discover a bird got there first after you turn it over.

157. You have a picture of Balboa CANAL ZONE on your computer wallpaper.

158. You've whacked something crawling across your face in the middle of the night and heard it splatter against the wall.

159. You asked the maid to hurry up and iron your blouse/shirt pants, you'll be late to school, a date, party.

160. You can skillfully maneuver a car at night without striking a single frog despite the fact that hundreds of "football" sized toads insist on hurling themselves in your path.

161. A boa hanging from a tree overhead does not cause you to alter the direction of your path.

162. The word Hollywood causes you to hold your nose rather than think of movie stars.

163. The word Teen Club reminds you of all the rum and cokes you consumed and followup trips to the latrine.

164. The very thought of rum still generates the desire to heave.

165. Playing pool was one of your best sporting events.

166. You remember playing dodge with the bats as you ran home in the dark.

167. You had a pet hermit crab.

168. Your idea of a gourmet salad is diced green mango with vinegar.

169. The bat guano under the eaves of your neighbor's house reminds you of "home."

170. Your entrepreneurial spirit sees an empty lot with a drainage problem as a potential skim-boarding park.

171. The tropical fruit section of your local grocery store makes you nostalgic.

172. You can smell rain from miles and miles away.

173. The grasshoppers, beetles, and praying mantis' you find in your backyard seem unusually puny.

174. You find yourself searching the world over for a pizza that compares to the ones you ate at the Napoli.

175. You spend a day on the "slide" and end up at the Balboa Police Station.

176. You still have your Amador Beach card.

177. You rolled garbage cans down hills on Halloween -- what a noise!

178. You find yourself wanting to say what you mean in Spanish instead of English and actually expecting someone to understand.

179. You remember going to the hippodrome for a 10 cent beer after a date.

180. You went to the drive in for a marshmallow sundae and waited for someone interesting to show up in their convertible.

181. You remember the good old days when 3 November was a holiday.

182. You went to Santa Clara on Easter weekend

183. You tell your kids when headed outside barefooted, they're going to get "hook worms" in their feet and not grow anymore!

184. Your skin is so sensitive that you kill mosquitoes that land on you before they have a chance to bite you.

185. When you hear the words "Push Button" you begin to snicker.

186. You don't know how to iron at age 18 because "the maid always did it."

187. You think BATTLEBALL should be an olympic event!

188. The smell of mildew makes you homesick.

189. Your girlfriend asks you "what is the Blue Goose?" You break out in a cold sweat and the words fall out of your mouth "I dunno"

190. You have to wait until 3:00 and the bowling alley opens to get an empanada and a RC.

191. You went to the Metropole drive in for a ten cent rum and coke.

192. Christmas Day is 85 degrees, breezy, and you don't have to wait until spring to ride your new bike.

193. You go to the Capri for ceviche, the Napoli for pizza, and the beer garden for thirst all on the same night.

194. You are awed by the sight of 12 gates open at the same time at Gatun spillway.

195. You go skinny dipping in the rain ditches near Mindi Dairy.

196. All your friends' mothers are allowed to administer a spanking when you mess up and your own mother is not around.

197. You remember your Gatun phone number even though you haven't used it in over 40 years.

198. It's not unusual to see a 10 year old carrying a razor sharp, 2 foot long machete into the jungle.

199. Kids would defend to the death, the loss of even one Christmas tree

200. You know what a "stink bomb fight is".

201. If you jumped off the Gamboa Bridge during the "noon-day sun" and swam in the Chagres river, and 'gator hunted in the same waters that night.

202. You know you are a Zonian if you download pictures for wallpaper and the jokes to tell to others!

203. You know you're a Zonian if you ever collected cockroaches in coke bottles.

204. You ever had to "deal" with "red bugs".

205, You went skinny dipping at Cocoli Lake.

206. Your first "drink" was a rum and coke.

207. You feel like something is missing every Wednesday at noon when there is no air raid siren noises.

208. You assume that the strange little noises in the house are really geckos.

209. You dream of warm green Christmases.

210. You know what Buckminster Fuller is famous for.

211. You consider yucca, ñame and otoe to be a separate food group.

212. You know that it's the white ships that carry bananas.

213. You keep telling people square trees really DO exist!

214. You played pick up football in two feet of water in the field by the Laundry.

215. The cop in the booth coming back from the Hilton blew his whistle at you every time you drove by.

216. You ever dug up the fish they buried the last night of Carnival and had it cooked for breakfast the next morning.

217. You woke up the day after the last day of Carnival engaged and you and had no idea to whom.

218. You could read the bar bill at Kimbos (only two lights in the place were over the cash register and the light from the juke box.)

219. You ever had a waiter at the Panama drive in shine his light in your car at the most inopportune time and ask for your drink order.

220. You smile when you hear the letters P and B together.

221. You got to enjoy the Buddy Satan trio at Club 21. (He OD on smack sometime in '69 or '70)

222. You didn't find out what Panama Red was until after you left Panama. You're an OLD Zonian.

223. You ever started with a full bottle of coke and after every swig filled the bottle back up with Bacardi or Cortez.

224. You're a Pacific Sider male if you hung out at Curundu stables just to meet girls.

225. You hear "Sarge" and think of the "chaperon" at the Clayton Teen Club.

226. You're a BHS grad if you remember at least three installments of Mr. White and Mr. Wolf's journeys up the Byanao River to see the Wart Lady.

227. You're a BHS grad if you or someone you know had his but kicked up or down a flight of stairs by Mr. Wolf.

228. You know where the Corrosion Pier is.

229. You couldn't understand why tourists would sit out on the Causeway shooting rolls of film of sunsets and then wished you'd done the same at least one evening.

230. You ever got trapped on the little island next to Taboga when the tide came in.

231. You ever covered a GI who'd passed out on the beach at Santa Clara, Gorgona etc. with sand so he wouldn't die from sun stroke.

232. You're a lucky Zonian if you ever had Mr. Myer for chemistry.

233. You or someone you knew got to see the inside of the Carcel Modelo.

234. You're a BHS grad if you know that coach Brown's hero was Steve Reeves (Hercules).

235. You or one of your neighbors shot a deer in his back yard (are you listening Don?)

236. You had Marlin steaks on a semi regular basis.

237. You call The Bridge of the Americas "Thatcher Ferry Bridge"

238. You still shake the carton before pouring a glass of milk.

239. You believe the only proper place for crackers, cookies, flour, sugar, etc. is in the refrigerator.

240. When pouring cereal into a bowl, you carefully examine it for any indication of moving creatures.

241. You always shake your shoes out before putting them on.

242. Instead of saying "if you do that, you'll end up in jail" you say "you'll end up at the brass bar" and no one knows what you're talking about.

243. You cannot take a photograph of anything police or military related without looking around first and leaving quickly afterward.

244. You understand the feeling of sheer terror that accompanies the image of a Guardia pointing at you.

245. You know what an "electric caterpillar" is and why you should not pick those pretty yellow flowers.

246. You go to a baseball game and you are the only one holding your hand over your heart during the National Anthem

247. You don't think voting for more than one and voting more than once is out of the ordinary.

248. The words...Phoenix, Villa and Goose bring a big smile to your face

249. You see a photo of the Causeway and your love life flashes before your eyes.

250. You have a BYC t-shirt, a BHS bumper sticker, a "Seal of the Canal Zone Isthmus of Panama" windshield decal and a CZ Brats license plate.

251. You named your boat "The Tabogoa Launch."

252. You got your sex education riding in the back of the girl's school bus between Gamboa and Balboa.

253. You watched your teacher write "no borre!" on the blackboard and everybody knew what it meant, but hoped that the janitor didn't.

254. You know the Gold Coast is not in Africa.

255. A major event in your life was catching the green light at the Gamboa Bridge.

256. You stuck your finger to the roof of the car and made a wish while the driver honked as you went under the PRR overpass near the Summit Golf Club.

257. You know why Wye is in Madden Wye.

258. You remember to speed up as fast as you can in order to go flying over the bump on Gaillard Highway near the Albrook front gate.

259. You remember the Gold Coast rendition of "Beauty and the Beast" and knew it was not a Disney production.

260. You know what " 9 degrees, North " means.

261. You don't know anything that was on TV in the 50's and 60's and your co-workers in the States think you are a KGB mole.

262. You know what a Pana-second is...the unit of time measurement between the time the light turns green and you hear the horn, faster than a nanosecond.

263. Artie Pollack asked you to pose nude in the Admin building photo studio?

264. Two or more of you meet somewhere and several more magically show up to partake of the "Sacred Chagres River water" mixed with certain medicinal additives to prevent cholera and "Break Bone Fever".

265. You become a veteran of foreign rums, beers and wines in order to properly salute and remember The Veterans of Foreign Wars on Veterans and Memorial Day Holidays.

266. You really get tickled when you receive a greeting card or e-mail from a fellow PanaZonian.

267. A fellow Zonian railroads you into doing something that you really weren't planning to get involved in. LOL

268. You know that PRR does not mean the Pennsylvania Rail Road.

269. With great wisdom and maturity not unlike a rare vintage wine you can identify with 90% plus of this steadily growing list of Zonian contributions and laugh almost to the point of tears to all of them.

270. You still get a lump in your throat when one of your very own or one of your extended Zonian "familee" dons a uniform and go into the service of his or her Country.

271. You think of your parents and relatives as trusted friends not suspicious enemies.

272. You send your "Canal Zone Brats" off to the "Land of the Big PX" for College and wonderful, exciting new careers and you still miss them like crazy.

273. You not only get stranded on the little island by the Hotel Taboga, you also know the name of the little Island!

274. .....on the way to or from the interior you made it a point to stop at the "La Peruena" and you remember why you stopped there! No, it was not a PB.

275. ... if you stir your mixed drink (probably a rum & coke) with your finger.

276. You go to the maps in the back of the telephone book to look up the EXACT location of a house. Consequently, you are appalled and agast at your first Stateside map--it's totally useless! WHERE ARE THE HOUSES? There's only STREETS on the darn thing!

277. When you identify where you lived by saying so and so used to live there, across from so and so...a house doesn't become yours until you move out.

278. You have a craving for a Margarita KC hamburger.

279. You have a craving for a Clubhouse empanada.

280. You have a craving for a Gatun Aids of Navigation hotdog.

281.  At 2:00 a.m. you get hungry and long to head to Diablo Clubhouse for chili.

282. You would eat a clubhouse empanada by first "biting off the end" and "filling it with ketchup" from a squeeze bottle.

283. Your second most favorite fruit is a "Rose Apple" and your absolute most favorite in the whole world is a "Guinup".

284. You buy a grapefruit at the store thinking that it's an orange.

285. You want to buy bananas by the stalk -- not the bunch.

286. You are of a "certain age" *grin*  and refer to soldiers as RAPS.

287. You know that reference to the Panamanian Air Force has nothing to do with airplanes.

288. You always heard of Palo Seco, but didn't know anyone who had been there.

289. You could tell time by the downpours during rainy season.

290. You STILL can't identify the sounds that came from the jungle while waiting for the bus.

291. You remember the Shriners' funny Bucking Car in all the parades.

292. You rode the real Thatcher Ferry (both of them).

293. You've driven across the bridge at Miraflores Locks.

294. You've gone skinny dipping at Cocoli Lake.

295. You've built and driven a Soap Box Derby racer down the hill at Howard Air Force Base.

296. You think Panamanian beer is better than U.S. beer.

297. You know a Clubhouse empanada is better than any burger.
 
298. You think President Carter was an idiot.
 
299. You know a Boquete orange is a gift from God.
 
300. You know tropical rain can't hurt you.
 
301. You know Ceviche is only great if you can "feel it" much later.

302. You know the military is a GOOD thing.

303. You know that anyone who said they DIDN'T inhale is a liar.
 
304. You just know Gravy and french fries belong together.
 
305. You just can't find a good mango in the States

306. You fantasize that Gamboa actually WAS Brigadoon!

307. You can only tolerate U.S. Army transport boats with the smell of bilge water.

308. You feel you're not dressed right on board ship unless you have a saltine cracker in one hand and a paper bag in the other.

309. You feel strangely out of place if you're not seasick.

310. Going to the movies you keep imagining something  besides your boyfriend crawling all over your body.

311. You ever spent an evening digging out stickers from the bottom of your feet with needle.

312. You ever had to get your head shaved because you ran into a hive of hair-bees! (Ronnie Reed and Ron Coale)

313. To this day, you know your father's social security number as well as or better than your own!

314. You fished for guppies in a ditch in Gatun to feed the cayman located in your CHS 7th grade science room.

315. You rode the "Round-Up" at the Ft. Davis Carnival at least 3 times in a row without becoming sick.

316. Twenty years later, you can drive the road between Margarita and Gatun and still swerve to miss the pot-holes

317. You've ever won a free movie pass from SCN's The Afternoon Show

318. You still put ticks, fleas and ants inside matchboxes and burn them alive

319.  You slid down the hill in back of the Tivoli on an old wooden ironing board.

320.  You laugh at the fact that stateside avocadoes are the size of avocado seeds! 

321.  You feel that having lizards in your house is just part of life. 

322.  You still think a work day should run from 7:15 to 4:15. 

323.  You drive all the way to the Fiesta Market in Houston to get guinups!

325. You only have to dial the last four digits to make a phone call.

326. You know that a B badge has nothing to do with the boy scouts.

327. You always forget to buy light bulbs (because housing furnishes these).

328. You have seen the sleeping princess.

329. You have to explain the joke "How many Zonians does it take to change a light bulb..." (and then explain what a Zonian is...)

330. You have only the Miraflores Live Cam websight saved in your web browser.

331. You know why they put rice in the salt shakers.

332. You forget to add tax to a purchase made in the states.

333. You look at the Miraflores Live Camera websight at night and the hum of your computer reminds you of the sound of the canal lights.

334. The tip is more than what you paid for your haircut.

335. You took voluntary lay-offs during the depresson.

336.  You boast to your stateside girlfriend what a macho, tough guy you are because you once got a "JD" for getting caught throwing rotten mangos at a passing Chiva.

337.  You missed your flight because you thought someone from the Motor Transportation Division was going to drive up to your front door, load your bags and take you to the airport.

338. You think "under the house" is a venue which needs no explanation.

339. There's no place else you'd rather be -- or be from.

340  You go to a department store and try to haggle about the price.

341. You talk about Panama and EXPECT everyone to KNOW what you are talking about.

342. You guard your chinese plums like they are gold ... even though your husband and children won't touch them!

343. You keep wanting to go to the beach on Christmas Day ... even though it is 50 below.

344. You have caught and played with "doodle-bugs".

345. you can play marbles and gutter-marbles (with steelies, of course).

346. you get caught with Chinese plums instead of gum in school.

347.  you catch (and sneak back home with) hermit crabs from Toboga Island that your parents told you to leave
there

348. you catch the hugh "grasshoppers" only to find out -- they bite!

349. you refuse to pay 99 cents a pound for platano and also refuse to call them plantain.  You can't figure out how to cook them soft call them plantain.  You can't figure out how to cook them soft and super sweet because someone else always did it for you.

350. your car's exhaust system was replaced every year after the mandatory
annual inspection.

351. the lifetime warranty didn't apply to your car's exhaust system.