Accident Reports
by Louis Barbier alias "The Cocoli Kid"

Here are a few chuckles about accidents or mishaps in the old Canal Zone. They are actual statements provided on the insurance forms where car drivers have tried to summarize the details of the accidents or mishaps in the fewest words possible. Stop me if you heard these before:

1. Early this morning as I was backing out of my drive way in Los Rios, the car’s engine suddenly accelerated without me doing anything and the car took out the fire hydrant across the street producing a geyser of water that shot up 150 feet in the air.

2. Coming home late last night, I spotted three zombies coming out of the Corozal Cemetery ... this distracted me so that I crashed into the nearest Chinese Garden.

3. In order to avoid the wild chickens crossing the road by Morgan’s Gardens, I swerved and plowed into a PCC truck that should have not been there since it was after 3 PM.

4. Finding myself in a huge rain storm the windshield wipers malfunction and the car drove itself into La Boca Gas Station taking out the Manager’s Office.

5. I was late for work, driving on Bruja Road past Cocoli on the way to Miraflores Bridge when a wild pack of killer iguanas attached themselves to the bumper of my car. I lost control and flipped over. I am lucky to be alive.

6. I was driving on Balboa Road when my little Chihuahua named Chico took the wheel and we plowed into the courthouse behind the Balboa Police Station.

7. I parked my car behind the Administration Building when it suddenly started chasing me. I ran for my life. It careened off another parked vehicle then started going down hill at a fast rate of speed. I last saw it heading for the Balboa Train Station parking lot.

8. While avoiding a roadkill on Gaillard Highway a blue Chiva forced me into a ditch.

9. My mother-in-law said, “Watch, where you are going!” I did. And the car drove off the causeway by itself.

10. I hit the brakes to avoid some pedestrians crossing the road at the “Limite” when I was attacked by some wild chickens from the truck behind me. This scared me so I floored the gas pedal ... the rest I don’t recall until I awakened after post-op in recovery at Gorgas Hospital.

11. I left my car’s engine running to buy a paper from Tony at Balboa Train Station Concession Booth. The train chugged in from the other side squealing brakes. The ground shook and my car took off. I last saw my car heading for the Panama Canal Company Storehouse Division.

12. As I was driving North toward Pedro Miguel, suddenly a flock of Buzzards appeared on the roadway ahead of me. They were wrestling with their roadkill. In order to avoid them, I turned the wheel sharply to the left unto a road that use to be there but wasn’t.

13. Coming home to Diablo, I drove into the wrong duplex and collided with a mango tree that was not supposed to be in my yard.

14. The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention at the Steven’s Circle drive around near the Balboa Post Office.

15. While driving down Gamboa Road, I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

16. A cattle truck from the Interior backed through my windshield and into my wife’s face on Gaillard Road just past the Rodman Naval Station back gate.

17. A pedestrian using the crosswalks at Balboa Clubhouse hit me and went under my car.

18. The guy was all over Balboa Road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

19. I pulled away from the side of the road on the way to the “Other Side” and glanced at my mother-in-law and took off over the embankment.

20, I had been shopping for plants all day long for my chalet in Santa Clara and was on my way home to Los Rios. When I reached the Corozal Army Commissary intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the car that whipped out in front of me.

21. I had been driving for 40 years in the Canal Zone when I fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into the Cocoli Fire Station.

22. The pedestrian by the YMCA in Balboa had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

23. I was on my way to the doctor at Gorgas Hospital with rear end trouble going down the hill past the Governor’s House when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

24. As I was approaching the first intersection at Diablo, a sign suddenly appeared out of the tall grass in a  place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time and to avoid the accident and smashed into the little blue chiva at the intersection.

25. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me at the Balboa Commissary crossing, I struck the pedestrian.

26. I my car was legally parked at Diablo Clubhouse as it backed up into the other vehicle.

27. I told the Canal Zone Police Officer, that I was not injured, but upon removing my baseball cap, I discovered that I had a fractured skull.

28. I saw a slow moving, sad face old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my VW in front of the Old Tivoli Guest House.

29. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in the small red & blue VW with the big mouth.

30. I was thrown from my car as it left Gaillard Road past the little bump, I was later found in a ditch by some Panama Canal Company Workers who happened to be in the area.

31. The telephone poles on Bruja Road were approaching at a high rate of speed, I attempted to swerve and miss one, when another one struck the front of my car on the way to Cocoli.

That is all for now. You all out there probably have heard other statements like the ones above. How about finishing this one. ” I was on my way home to Cocoli when the Miraflores Bridge ________________”

Be careful, it’s a jungle out there ...  Please drive defensively.

Presented by CZBrats
February 20, 1999
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